Daily Kos: BREAKING: Jesus blogs LIVE on Intelligent Design!

BREAKING: Jesus blogs LIVE on Intelligent Design!
by Bill in Portland Maine
Thu Aug 11th, 2005 at 20:57:56 CDT

Thanks a lot, you dingleberries.

No, not you. The people who were supposed to meet me when I returned to Earth. Sure, they're fundy morons, but they're also my ride. So here I am, posting on your blog from a bus station in Kansas because they're apparently so self-absorbed that they have no idea I've returned.

I know, I know. You'd expect me to announce my comeback at Powerline or Little Green Footballs or even on the 700 Club. They're "my people." Or at least they use my name more often than anyone else. The New Testament was written over 100 years after I died and they think they know me. Jerks.

I'm posting here because, unlike them, your minds aren't hardened like cement, and your testosterone levels aren't jacked up to 11. I may actually have a chance of getting through to you.

Anyway. Can I tell you something about Intelligent Design? Like, real insider stuff? I know, it's like passing out a cheat sheet for a final exam, but my dad is so pissed with all the crap going on down here that he's threatening to put his fist through the time-space continuum. Try living with that. You have no idea.

Let me see if I can tell you this without blowing your mind. Okay. The Clifs Notes version for your short attention spans:

Water = intelligent. Air = intelligent. Ozone layer = supremely intelligent (and it kept the fire marshal off Dad's back). Polar ice caps = intelligent. Plankton = brilliant. The natural food chain = intelligent (and delicious). Plants = intelligent. Swiffer = off the intelligence scale.

Humankind = ?? Oh, how to put this... Well, no sense mincing words, you guys really suck. Look at you..

Would you look around, please? Would you take two Daddamned minutes to look around at what you've got? Don't you recognize paradise when you see it? Don't you get it? Dad gave you everything you could possibly want or need. Look at it all! Oh, I forgot...you can't look at it all. You've depleted so many species and resources there's not much left to see. The skies are a brown haze, the waters a mercury-soaked sludge and the land ripped apart like a piñata at a chainsaw manufacturers' convention. Thanks a lot---your gratitude is overwhelming.

Dad gave you everything: opposable thumbs, awareness of your own existence and inevitable mortality, curiosity, language, a capacity for compassion and reason and teamwork and problem-solving. A miraculous immune system. Everything you needed to be responsible caretakers of the only inhabited planet in the universe (sorry to break it to you but...you're it).

But Dad must've been having an off day because he threw greed and testosterone into the mixing bowl. Bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees and here you are, destroying your future as you sit there jawboning about the past. Is the Earth a product of "intelligent design?" Yes, of course. Unfortunately, Earthlings are not. You fight too much, you eat too much, you abuse your environment too much, you lie too much,.. you elect Bushes too much...but you don't think too much. Especially in the direction known as f..o..r..w..a..r..d.

Y'know, we were going to have a big party for y'all a few thousand years before the sun burned out and the earth became just another cold booger in space. You were all going to be invited. But now we know you won't be around that long. Dad gives you another couple hundred years, max. If the worms didn't find you so tasty we probably would've pulled the plug by now..

Daily Kos: BREAKING: Jesus blogs LIVE on Intelligent Design!


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