5/22/2005

Democrats Anonymous AKA Young Republicans

The Thinkers Anonymous Text, AKA the Democrats Anonymous recruiting poster, AKA Young Republicans mission statement

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - to relax I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka and browse online for REAL NEWS. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking What is it exactly we are doing here? Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of Schiavo's life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said Son, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another. This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. Honey, I confessed, I've been thinking...
I know you've been thinking she said, and I want a divorce! But Honey, surely it's not that serious.
It is serious, she said, lower lip aquiver. You think as much as college professors, and college professors get busted by David Horowitz and don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money! That's a faulty syllogism I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. I'm going to the library I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche and blogging on DailyKos, a PBS station blaring on my radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass.. a poster caught my eye. Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life? You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Democrats Anonymous (AKA Young Republicans) poster

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a Young Republicans meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's or a reconstruction of Bush's frat life. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking and joined Bushianity

Paraphrased from The Thinkers Anonymous Text

2 Comments:

Anonymous tlh lib said...

Your rehabilitation is not for naught (damn that sounds weird)....

I think this post just got thrown into my pool of 2005 posts of the year for the Koufax's.

Stay strong brother.

5/27/2005 08:57:00 PM  
Anonymous tlh lib said...

dammit i just noticed the last line "paraphrased from.."

i guess that doesnt quite qualify lol.

good stuff nonetheless haha.

5/27/2005 09:01:00 PM  

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