Daily Kos :: Bending over to win elections UPDATED

Bending over to win elections UPDATED
by Bob Johnson

Sun Apr 10th, 2005 at 23:59:26 CDT

Sacrifice it all to win. That's what I say.

Give up on abortion. Make Tim Roemer our point man. We have to return to back alley, coat hanger abortions in order to regain seats in the House and the Senate and take back the presidency. Sorry to you women out there who will suffer. Just understand that we will give you back your rights... someday. Can't say when because we need to shift to the right on this one. Thanks for understanding. Our sympathies in advance to those who die in the process.

Oh, and teach creationism and/or intelligent design in our public schools. Even though our citizenry is arguably less informed than at any time in our recent history, and most Americans know more about the contestants on American Idol than they know about the beginnings of our solar system or the origin of species on Earth, let's give in and make our kids even more ignorant than they already are. Eye on the prize and all that. We need to win elections.


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And to our gay and lesbian friends out there, sorry, but you're all just homos now. Just fags. Queers. Lesbos. We'll come back around for you in a little while once we start winning again. Really. We will. Just lay low for a bit. And be alert. It could get a little nasty out there in the meantime.

Muslim-Americans and Arab-Americans? You're fucked. Sorry. There's not much we can do for you at present. At some point in the next 20 years, this whole terror thing may or may not blow over. We'll get back to you. For sure. Keep a stiff upper lip, to quote your old colonial opressors. Meet you new oppressors. That's us. But you'll know we'll be on your team once we get back in power. It just may take a while.

To our loyal African-American friends, we trust that you'll bear with us as the economy collapses and you become the first casualties (in more ways than one -- read on). Just remember, there is always the military! And once we give the "thumbs up" to Bush's interventions in Iran and Syria (something we have to do to appear to be tough on terror and strong on national defense... you know, in order to regain control), we'll do something nice for you. At the very least, we'll give many of your family members Purple Hearts and other awards for gallantry in battle.

Ditto for Hispanics.

To our good friends in major industries we say, "Hey! We love you, too!" Yes, we can write industry-friendly policies! Yes, we can create government programs that line your pockets! Yes, we can draw up rules that hinder the unionization of your employees and make your people work longer hours for less money! Yes, we can pass laws that will limit your liability, even if something you do or something you make completely fucks up and kills people! And, yes, we'll make it easier for you to protect your profits with offshore accounts and offshore workforces! We may never be better than our opponents, but, like Avis, we'll try harder!

And to our Jewish friends... Nothing to fear. Really. Don't believe the idle gossip from hard right, Christian circles. Those folks will be too busy persecuting homos and ragheads to worry about you (see above). But keep your eyes peeled. You're always high on the list. If it comes to that, we won't be that vocal right away. And if you hear us call you names, just know that we are doing it to play along. As a way to steal voters from the other side and win back seats. But we will rise to your defense once we regain power. No fooling. You trust us, don't you?

To the working men and women who once made up the backbone of our party, well, let's just say our longstanding friendship may be placed on a temporary hiatus. We'll still be friends and all that, but we can't appear to be too close to you. And you might have to work longer hours for less money. And you may have trouble getting adequate health care for your families. But just wait until we get back in to power. We'll be right back with you! Swear to God! Won't it be great?

Finally, to the rest of America, we know that you may feel the pinch, what with the tax breaks corporations will be getting and the government-sponsored programs written to satisfy a particular industry which will cost you a load of your hard-earned dollars, but, hey, that's the price we'll all have to pay for us to take back our government.

We're moving right, but we'll be right back. Okay. Maybe "right back" is an overpromise. But it will be soon. We are not shitting you. It's a brilliant strategy that will take us on a glorious ride back into the White House.

Just sit tight. All of you. And keep your heads down. We'll come back and pick you up in the near future. Promise.

Don't wait up.

Update [2005-4-11 11:32:38 by Bob Johnson]:

I think the mistake some are making with this diary is that they think it's news that this is "hyperbole."

Like that is some great insight.

It's dark satire, for christsake -- overblown for the purposes of making a point.

Here's what I wish Democrats would have the courage to do:

Instead of falling into the Republican-laid trap of feeling like we have to talk about our faith (see Dean's recent comments), we, instead, argue, forcefully, that one's faith is one of the most private and sacred of personal choices and should be defended as such.

To me, all this talk of religion, faith and values is just more of the rightward corporate drift that started under the guidance of the DLC.

Face it, we will never "out-religious" the religious conservatives just as we could never be as good a "friend" to big business as the Republicans.

Both are losing arguments that continue to dilute any core positions we may hold.

As was witnessed in the past general election, people voted for Bush even though they thought his war and domestic policies were failures (by a thin majority). He never wavered, even on the dumb shit he promotes.

We're constantly wavering in a feeble attempt to peel off voters... but people don't like the wavering.

It's a recipe for failure.

Daily Kos :: Bending over to win elections UPDATED


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