11/16/2004

Bush and Christianity.

A column by Dr. Robin Myers, the minister of Mayflower Congregational Church
in Oklahoma City, who writes for the Oklahoma Gazette. For the first time in
eight years, and over a hundred published columns, the Gazette is refusing
to run Dr. Meyers's latest column, a satire about Bush and Christianity.

HIJACKING THE CHRISTIAN FAITH

Leaders of more than 50 nations gathered last week at
the UN to discuss world poverty, and the rising gap
between rich and poor. President Bush was
conspicuously absent.

This "born again" president, who
talks constantly about his relationship to Jesus
Christ, skipped the meetings about helping poor
people, but showed up to address the general assembly
and brag about the war.

When a non-binding agreement was reached to try to
help the more than one billion people who live on
less than a dollar a day, Bush didn't sign it. It must
have sounded like a bad deal for corporations, and we
all know that God is more interested in big business
than in poor people.

He didn't sign the Kyoto accord either, because he has
discussed global warming with God, and knows that it's
all a socialist plot against big oil and free trade.

He and Jesus must have had a talk recently about
assault weapons, and decided between them that every
God-fearing man and woman should be able to own a
machine gun if they like, because an armed disciple is
a safe disciple.

By rolling back years of bi-partisan environmental law
designed to protect the earth which the Psalmist said
belongs to the Lord, Bush has given the biblical
concept of "stewardship" a new twist. The earth
belongs to Haliburton, and the fullness thereof.

While everyone is arguing about the Patriot Act, there
is another serious threat to the very soul of the
nation that is getting far less attention: The
Sermon-on-the-Mount-Suspension-Act.

In a high-level, secret meeting at an undisclosed
location, Bush and Cheney met secretly with the Lord
(Bush, to his credit, did not want to have to answer
questions put to him by Jesus alone).

Cheney did most of the talking, and although not even
the minutes of that meeting are available to the public, it was
decided that faith, from now on, means that the
president and God will take turn winking at each other.

Whenever the Lord says, "Blessed are the meek, for
they shall inherit the earth", Bush will wink and say,
"But not the mineral rights!" And then the two of them
will laugh all the way to the bank.

If the Lord says, "Pray for your enemies and those who
persecute you," Bush will flash that Texas smirk, that
gnostic grin, and say, " I'm all for prayer, don't get
me wrong, but you can't love a terrorist who has a
bomb strapped to his chest." And Jesus will say, "What
was I thinking?"

Whenever Jesus says, "Judge not, lest you be judged,"
Bush will say "That's fine for Sunday School, but Lee
Atwater had a better gospel, and he taught it to my
daddy: seek and destroy, before they seek and destroy
you. This includes actual war heroes and triple amputees."

When the Lord says "Be humble, don't pray in public to
be heard by other men, and remember that giving a cup
of cold water to a thirsty child is all the law and
the prophets," Bush will shrug those mighty shoulders
and remind the Lord that humility can be confused with
weakness, public prayer can be particularly effective
in the swing states, and private sector water for
children is dandy, but leaving "no child untested" is
the true meaning of love.

That's when the meeting turned sour, and Jesus got
concerned. He reminded Bush that he once stopped an
execution in progress, reversing "an eye for an eye."
Then the former Texas governor got a tad impatient
himself, and started lecturing Jesus on "coddling
criminals." "What about forgiveness?," said the Lord?
"Overrated," quipped Bush.

That's when Jesus got up and walked out.
Maybe it's time we all walk out.

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